Almost English

This lovely bit of prose arrived in my mailbox this morning.

Sir/Madam,

Your current case has been assessed to the necessary commissions, and upon fastidious weighing up, we are able to suggest to you the next opportunity.

Based upon fastidious weighing up you qualify to obtain a attractive rield on your primary property investment.

By completing the next attached form in a timely manner we will be able to finalize our review, and we feel certain you will obtain not only a decreased rate of interest, but also a cash return that will implement all your holiday needs and more!

Please go here to finalize this phase of the agreement.

Wishing you all the best over the holiday period,

Juliet Herrington

After fastidious weighing up, I have decided to assess this to the junk file. True, I could have used an attractive rield, but as the initial fastidous weighing up was unable to determine if I were a man or a woman, I lost all faith in the necessary commissions. So sad. And such lovely semi-English, too.